& this shit really drains you.
im pissed and disturbed and hell of emotionally unstable and totally unable to write all this shit out.
from the top - watched saturday night fever last night at one o'clock in the morning. then i proceeded to take a shower... and have you ever noticed how you look in the mirror when that yellow morning bathroom light shines all around you and makes your face a really odd color and your hair has a psychedelic hue to it and everything seems really clear in your mind. everything make sense to you and your ethics and everything you have and are battling. and yeah that movie made me emotionally compromised but not really. i brought things back like a brick, hard and solid with no wake to resurface any doubts. and so i stood there, looking at myself in that damned yellow light, and i rewrote my philosophies. and i remember that i felt solidity in my thoughts. i dont remember how it felt but i remember the effect. and this sounds like absolute teenage angst/anguish shit but dammit its true. ive realized i want to die alone. without somebody. most definitely without being touched. i hate that everyone thinks you have to be someone. i dont want to be. i dont not need it but im too afraid and too skittish to actually have a relationship of the standards i want in a relationship. and shit. i sound like a pompous (arrogant), atheistic son of a bitch. no offence but to atheists but when you here somebody not believe in love you automatically think theyre God-less individuals with crazed morals. maybe i am mad. shit. but i dont believe in love. or between one human and another. because i see it as give and take. you need caring, somebody to be there for you. so you are using them to calm yourself. and vice versa. i dont get it. and i know im missing a huge piece of the puzzle but i dont care. i dont want it. dammit. and im afraid. im keeping myself safe by being this way. because you know annette in saturday night fever. she gets high and drunk and used. and i was watching that and i knew that was me. i would do that. i could do that tomorrow. shit. any fat person has crappy self control (obviously) but then when you combine that with spells of bulimic behavior and shitty self image then you get a scary piece of shit girl. shit, shit, shit. f'ing hell. and so as you can tell im messed up at the moment because i had to read this stupid spirk story. even thought i listed the f'ing reasons why i should read the damn thing before i read it. (stupid, embarrassing, not necessary, i didnt really want to read about kirk and spock romantically in the first place, and i just dont do fanfiction or slash (not like im against it (why do we have to say that always in this country? so we dont offend?) but i dont like sex and it feels weird for someone to be describing gay sex (and its only weirder because i have heard about straight sex. i dont feel confortable around any discription, and dammit, you know what i mean.) and i liked reading about them making out... and that didnt help my fragil mental status at all.) why the hell do you think rationally if all you do is ignore what you thought up? and so i read this thing and it makes me feel weird and not good and sick but not disgusted but just sick because i know that that relationship never happened and it is way to far fetch for anyone to actually believe. but it was written in this addictive way and because i love these characters i totally fell for that cheep romance. because i avoid it like the damned plague, it doesnt mean im not jealous as hell. and it was far out. but it was... adorable. and ive never been labeled adorable but its one of those things ive always wanted to be. but no. im this bitch who is afraid of the emotion humans value the most. shit.
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